I think most of us are predisposed to certain drugs or addictions, if you will. While there is no history of drug use in my family (that they are willing to admit, but I have a few theories) alcoholism seems to be as natural as the freckles. I don't feel like an alcoholic. Only time I feel like an alcoholic is when I have to fill out some sort of information sheet at a doctor's office. You know the one: do you smoke? how many a week? do you drink? how many a week? The answer always puzzles me but I dismiss it and blame it on my poor math skills. But, still... when you add those drinks up, well... they add up! I'm sure alcoholics everywhere are going "yeah, right... denial!" but, I don't drink everyday and I don't feel I have a dependency on alcohol. At least not nearly as severe as the one I have on cigarettes. I've quit more than three times but still puffing away! Worse than heroine, I should know. Which brings me back to the subject at hand.
I always wondered how people started using the drugs they used. Why is a crack-head a crack-head? Etc... Besides for peer pressure, which I don't believe in peer pressure. Unless you consider peer pressure as a friend going "hey, wanna puff?" - I consider peer pressure when someone won't leave you alone about it, but that's just me. So, I thought of myself and MY drug use and preference. I've always been the "What's your favorite drug?" - "What do you have?" kinda girl, but I have to admit, I'm drawn to certain types. And my types have changed over the years. When I was younger, way hyper... a "spaz", if you will, my drug of choice was hash and heroine. They brought me to a happy down... active down, since I was always so manic. (I'm sure my bipolar-ism had something to do with it, but at the time I had no clue of what I was). Of course, alcohol was always a part of my life, since before I was 8, when my dad would let me take a sip of his beer if I were to get him one and open it for him. Before that, grandma would give me the green mint liquor to put me to sleep, again, due to my hyperactivity. The positive side to all this drinking before it was even remotely close to being legal? When I was of drinking age, my tolerance level was ready. I was able to drink and hold my liquor better than most frat boys, and that's saying A LOT! When I finally stopped the heroine use and moved to the US, and couldn't even find hash, pot became my new friend. The first time I smoked, I shit you not, I tripped!! I saw shit and blacked out for a good 30 minutes coming back to life repeating "I know Abraham Lincoln" (I have NOooooo idea where that came from). And things were good... drinking, smoking. Because of all the travelling, I missed the whole bean-scene, which I kinda regret... sounds like a shit-load of fun! But, when I did finally roll, I was underwhelmed. The heroine use created a tolerance in my body that made my body need at least 4 beans to feel what I should have felt with one, considering my lack of use. But, again, no biggie. As I've gotten older and continue to smoke (and lie about it on all medical forms), I find my energy level has diminished so coke is now my new favorite. I blame the drugs, the prescription ones, the ones that are supposed to keep me level, no manic episodes, no down episodes, just there... numb, blah! That's what they're SUPPOSED to do. Instead, they created this cluster-fuck of emotions and actions that not even a junkie shows. Doctors are the worse pushers EVER! They bring you in to "help" and give you FREE samples, get you hooked on prescriptions to make you think, act, feel normal that you can't quit because you'll be worse than before. NO matter how many drugs I've done in the past, the ones I'm on now are the deadliest and most addictive... the ones you can't stop using even if you want to.
Monday, March 12, 2012
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
New year, new problems....
For no real reason, people (including myself) have a sense that the new year brings a fresh start. The old, bad and gloomy are gone and only sunshine up ahead. Personally, I'm ecstatic that the holidays are over! Starting to sympathize with the Grinch... it seems all holidays concentrate around is spending, spending and more spending... stressing to get the perfect gift for those you care the most about, making sure your children enjoy Christmas as much as you did. But the feeling just isn't there. This Christmas was a cluster-fuck. As if I didn't feel suicidal enough before the month started, by Christmas time I was ready to hang myself!
It's sad really... my husband actually had the night off Christmas eve so we could celebrate Noche Buena with my family. Unfortunately, we were WAY more excited about it than they were. No one showed up... but we had some additions, my brother's girlfriend/"baby-momma" and my grandmother, whom my aunt was going to leave to spend Christmas alone, so mom went and picked her up and brought her to the house. My sister isn't "allowed" to celebrate with us because her husband wants to celebrate it with HIS family, not ours. So, us five dressed up all nice and pretty, but when we got there, we found we were the only ones... the girlfriend looked like she just woke up, grandma has Parkinson, so she's not a snappy dresser any more and my mom looked like she didn't even try. And she didn't... not with her clothes, not with the food or the gifts! It wasn't a joyous event! When it came time to eat, my husband (a chef, currently working as a bartender - I underlined this for a reason) was disappointed, as was I, with the food that was served... it's Christmas!! Mom served a super dry pork (store bought), a chicken salad that I haven't liked since I was little and a traditional Venezuelan Christmas food called "ayacas" and "ham-bread", which was also super dry. ALL of which contained olives, which my husband DOES NOT like. He mentioned to me at the table that he was disappointed, that all he could eat was the pork. Now, come gift opening time, we find that we, a married couple of NINE years, received the same gift as my brother and his "family" whom have been together for about three years... a blender and a bar set. I tried to "look" happy while I told my mom we already had a blender and that my husband and I have collected all the items for a decent bar set. Mom's response... oh, well. I know it's "the thought that counts", but what about when there's NO thought put into it? We left tired, disappointed and eager to get home. When we arrived home, we come to find that my son's bed set is for a toddler bed, which he does not have and the curtain was one panel (in other words: half a window (he has two in his room) and my daughter's camera was one of those $10 Walgreen's deals, chancy, cheap and no resolution. My daughter was crushed... my son hadn't a clue (he's two!).
The following day, when my mom called to find out if we had extra artwork for grandma's new place, I told her I'm sure we did but it was not accessible... she insisted. It was annoying... not sure what part of "it's inaccessible" she didn't understand. Furthermore, this is something both hubby and I need to go through. So I then took this opportunity to tell her about the gifts. She got mad, telling me we were ungrateful and it was the thought that counted... I told her I agreed, but the fact was she didn't put any thought into it. Then told me the "polite" thing to do would be to re-gift them... so, as my mom, she would rather not hear the truth from her daughter? Interesting... She hasn't talked to me since the incident.
As for New Year's, I was completely excited since I wasn't going to spend it alone like I had for the past two years. The other grandma was taking the kiddos so I could meet with the hubby and celebrate once he got off work. I got there at 10:30... he didn't get off until 12:30.... but I got my kiss!
Hubby and I have been having issues. It seems we no longer know how to speak to each other, as if we have nothing more to talk about, but plenty to yell about! On the first, we had our first fight... vicious one, calling me a bitch in front of the kids, bad mother and wife! It's no wonder I want to slash my wrists!! Afterwards.... no apologies, nothing... everything's back to normal and he wonders why I have a frown on my face!! Gee, I wonder!
The latest issue is with the bachelor party.... tonight. Speaking to him this morning I mentioned what I expect from him: This is NOT a "hall pass", you are married with children and responsibilities that go with it not single and available like the rest of the guys, and if you aren't home by the time I wake up, don't bother coming home. He got irate... "of course this isn't a hall pass!!", but he called it that a few days ago and I reminded him of it, but he was upset that I set these ground rules. If the roles were reversed, I wouldn't even be allowed to go! That's a fact!
We have so much to work on but he doesn't seem willing... this year, while the world may not end, our 10 year marriage might. Makes me sad and angry... to know that I loved someone so much, committed myself wholeheartedly to someone unwilling to sacrifice, to compromise, to make it work and make us both happy.
New doctor's appointment on Monday and I'm hoping he'll load me up with anything that will just make me comfortably numb! The "cocktail" I'm on is simply NOT strong enough for this bullshit! Either the marriage will end or my life... which I don't want either of which to happen, but this misery has to stop! I always thought of myself as a strong woman, but after swimming against the current for so long, one gets tired and ends up drowning. Drowning seems like a dream right now... a sweet, peaceful dream.
It's sad really... my husband actually had the night off Christmas eve so we could celebrate Noche Buena with my family. Unfortunately, we were WAY more excited about it than they were. No one showed up... but we had some additions, my brother's girlfriend/"baby-momma" and my grandmother, whom my aunt was going to leave to spend Christmas alone, so mom went and picked her up and brought her to the house. My sister isn't "allowed" to celebrate with us because her husband wants to celebrate it with HIS family, not ours. So, us five dressed up all nice and pretty, but when we got there, we found we were the only ones... the girlfriend looked like she just woke up, grandma has Parkinson, so she's not a snappy dresser any more and my mom looked like she didn't even try. And she didn't... not with her clothes, not with the food or the gifts! It wasn't a joyous event! When it came time to eat, my husband (a chef, currently working as a bartender - I underlined this for a reason) was disappointed, as was I, with the food that was served... it's Christmas!! Mom served a super dry pork (store bought), a chicken salad that I haven't liked since I was little and a traditional Venezuelan Christmas food called "ayacas" and "ham-bread", which was also super dry. ALL of which contained olives, which my husband DOES NOT like. He mentioned to me at the table that he was disappointed, that all he could eat was the pork. Now, come gift opening time, we find that we, a married couple of NINE years, received the same gift as my brother and his "family" whom have been together for about three years... a blender and a bar set. I tried to "look" happy while I told my mom we already had a blender and that my husband and I have collected all the items for a decent bar set. Mom's response... oh, well. I know it's "the thought that counts", but what about when there's NO thought put into it? We left tired, disappointed and eager to get home. When we arrived home, we come to find that my son's bed set is for a toddler bed, which he does not have and the curtain was one panel (in other words: half a window (he has two in his room) and my daughter's camera was one of those $10 Walgreen's deals, chancy, cheap and no resolution. My daughter was crushed... my son hadn't a clue (he's two!).
The following day, when my mom called to find out if we had extra artwork for grandma's new place, I told her I'm sure we did but it was not accessible... she insisted. It was annoying... not sure what part of "it's inaccessible" she didn't understand. Furthermore, this is something both hubby and I need to go through. So I then took this opportunity to tell her about the gifts. She got mad, telling me we were ungrateful and it was the thought that counted... I told her I agreed, but the fact was she didn't put any thought into it. Then told me the "polite" thing to do would be to re-gift them... so, as my mom, she would rather not hear the truth from her daughter? Interesting... She hasn't talked to me since the incident.
As for New Year's, I was completely excited since I wasn't going to spend it alone like I had for the past two years. The other grandma was taking the kiddos so I could meet with the hubby and celebrate once he got off work. I got there at 10:30... he didn't get off until 12:30.... but I got my kiss!
Hubby and I have been having issues. It seems we no longer know how to speak to each other, as if we have nothing more to talk about, but plenty to yell about! On the first, we had our first fight... vicious one, calling me a bitch in front of the kids, bad mother and wife! It's no wonder I want to slash my wrists!! Afterwards.... no apologies, nothing... everything's back to normal and he wonders why I have a frown on my face!! Gee, I wonder!
The latest issue is with the bachelor party.... tonight. Speaking to him this morning I mentioned what I expect from him: This is NOT a "hall pass", you are married with children and responsibilities that go with it not single and available like the rest of the guys, and if you aren't home by the time I wake up, don't bother coming home. He got irate... "of course this isn't a hall pass!!", but he called it that a few days ago and I reminded him of it, but he was upset that I set these ground rules. If the roles were reversed, I wouldn't even be allowed to go! That's a fact!
We have so much to work on but he doesn't seem willing... this year, while the world may not end, our 10 year marriage might. Makes me sad and angry... to know that I loved someone so much, committed myself wholeheartedly to someone unwilling to sacrifice, to compromise, to make it work and make us both happy.
New doctor's appointment on Monday and I'm hoping he'll load me up with anything that will just make me comfortably numb! The "cocktail" I'm on is simply NOT strong enough for this bullshit! Either the marriage will end or my life... which I don't want either of which to happen, but this misery has to stop! I always thought of myself as a strong woman, but after swimming against the current for so long, one gets tired and ends up drowning. Drowning seems like a dream right now... a sweet, peaceful dream.
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