I think most of us are predisposed to certain drugs or addictions, if you will. While there is no history of drug use in my family (that they are willing to admit, but I have a few theories) alcoholism seems to be as natural as the freckles. I don't feel like an alcoholic. Only time I feel like an alcoholic is when I have to fill out some sort of information sheet at a doctor's office. You know the one: do you smoke? how many a week? do you drink? how many a week? The answer always puzzles me but I dismiss it and blame it on my poor math skills. But, still... when you add those drinks up, well... they add up! I'm sure alcoholics everywhere are going "yeah, right... denial!" but, I don't drink everyday and I don't feel I have a dependency on alcohol. At least not nearly as severe as the one I have on cigarettes. I've quit more than three times but still puffing away! Worse than heroine, I should know. Which brings me back to the subject at hand.
I always wondered how people started using the drugs they used. Why is a crack-head a crack-head? Etc... Besides for peer pressure, which I don't believe in peer pressure. Unless you consider peer pressure as a friend going "hey, wanna puff?" - I consider peer pressure when someone won't leave you alone about it, but that's just me. So, I thought of myself and MY drug use and preference. I've always been the "What's your favorite drug?" - "What do you have?" kinda girl, but I have to admit, I'm drawn to certain types. And my types have changed over the years. When I was younger, way hyper... a "spaz", if you will, my drug of choice was hash and heroine. They brought me to a happy down... active down, since I was always so manic. (I'm sure my bipolar-ism had something to do with it, but at the time I had no clue of what I was). Of course, alcohol was always a part of my life, since before I was 8, when my dad would let me take a sip of his beer if I were to get him one and open it for him. Before that, grandma would give me the green mint liquor to put me to sleep, again, due to my hyperactivity. The positive side to all this drinking before it was even remotely close to being legal? When I was of drinking age, my tolerance level was ready. I was able to drink and hold my liquor better than most frat boys, and that's saying A LOT! When I finally stopped the heroine use and moved to the US, and couldn't even find hash, pot became my new friend. The first time I smoked, I shit you not, I tripped!! I saw shit and blacked out for a good 30 minutes coming back to life repeating "I know Abraham Lincoln" (I have NOooooo idea where that came from). And things were good... drinking, smoking. Because of all the travelling, I missed the whole bean-scene, which I kinda regret... sounds like a shit-load of fun! But, when I did finally roll, I was underwhelmed. The heroine use created a tolerance in my body that made my body need at least 4 beans to feel what I should have felt with one, considering my lack of use. But, again, no biggie. As I've gotten older and continue to smoke (and lie about it on all medical forms), I find my energy level has diminished so coke is now my new favorite. I blame the drugs, the prescription ones, the ones that are supposed to keep me level, no manic episodes, no down episodes, just there... numb, blah! That's what they're SUPPOSED to do. Instead, they created this cluster-fuck of emotions and actions that not even a junkie shows. Doctors are the worse pushers EVER! They bring you in to "help" and give you FREE samples, get you hooked on prescriptions to make you think, act, feel normal that you can't quit because you'll be worse than before. NO matter how many drugs I've done in the past, the ones I'm on now are the deadliest and most addictive... the ones you can't stop using even if you want to.
