I'd never heard this before... "A bad mother will create another bad mother". My mother-in-law told me this a few months ago. She's perfect, I'll have you know. Makes her daughter perfect too?? I think not! She's just as good a mother as mine was... always going out, pawning of her kids to anyone who will take them, oh... and having a third?! As if the first two aren't going to be messed up enough? I don't think I agree with the statement. I've met more than one amazing mother who had a lousy mother. Makes me wonder if this was just a jab at me?? My mom was a bad mom, but does that make ME a bad mom? Was her mother bad? I don't think so... I would know, I just about spent the first 5 years of my life with her and then again when I was a teenager, castaway by my mom. But, here's what I know...
My grandmother was the sight of perfection from the 50's. Her gorgeous homemade dresses, tiny waist, petite figure, high heels and always looked beautiful... even holding her newborn baby girl, my mom. In old pictures, my grandmother just glowed standing next to my dashing grandpa with a headful of black hair. My mom dressed all in white with bows in her hair, everyone smiling. I can predict what happened all day long, but with no certainty. My mom always makes her childhood seem so horrible once my aunt was born, but let's face it, they're 8 years apart! Out of my first eight years, I spent 3 with my mom. However, I can't help but think that once my grandmother had a miscarriage, things went south for my mom. I can't imagine the disappointment for my grandmother, the sadness she must of felt, which could have very well left my mom feeling pretty lonely. They don't talk much about it, I get the same story everytime they bring it up. However, when my aunt was born, my mom was just about forgotten. My aunt was the miracle baby, mamma's little girl. Maybe this is where it all started?
So, maybe it is true? Bad moms breed bad moms? I can't help it? I don't ignore my kiddos... I love them more than anything. And even though I'm an only child, I try to spread my time and love evenly among the three. A little hard with such a cute little 3-year old, but I do try. Makes me sad that a generalization like this can be made so blindly. My mom may have always been too busy to spend any time with me, but that's not me.
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
Tuesday, January 15, 2013
All good things must come to an end...
Feeling January all over again. They call it a downward spiral, but this is more like a razor blade slide into a pool of alcohol.
I'm at the end of my rope and no one to help, support or listen. Everyone's just too busy to be bothered with my problems, issues, insecurities and feelings. Not even my not-so-better half. My children can't even look at me. All I can do is cry and wish someone would take me out of my misery! The pills are supposed to help, but the fact that they aren't adds to the hopelessness. If they add anything else... I might as well just die... I'm a walking pharmacy as it is. Recently I starting cutting.... really want to do it to my wrists, but my arms and legs will just have to do. I don't know if it's the pain or the action itself that eases the desire to cut my wrists, just know there's a tiny bit of release in the pressure. I've tried explaining to the hub, but he acts as if he has blinders. He doesn't understand, nor wishes to understand, my circumstances. I just need to get over it and be happy. There's really nothing I wish My mom is as useless as a third nipple! She's incapable of watching my kids for any period of time... but I guess when you don't raise your own kid, why should you spend time with THEIR kids. Even when I beg, she refuses to watch all three... it has to be either JUST the girls or just my booger.... no other combination will do! My mother-in-law is too busy watching her daughter's hellions and raising her other son's son. So she's pretty much out of the picture. And, that's it... that's all their is as far as support. My best friend moved to California and is also miserable but we can't even comfort each other! It's no wonder I can't cope. I'm alone majority of the time with my three spawns, can't get things done and they're all acting out 'cause I can't get my shit together. I have no energy, motivation or inspiration. Today I hope to see the doc and see what she has to say; who I have to go see now that I've escalated to a whole new level. I think a break from all this would do a lot of good... but there's no signs of that anywhere in sight. If I ran away, it would be my children that would feel it the most. Same if I were to commit suicide or have them go through another failed attempt. Driving off a bridge seems like the better alternative... an accident... something that just happened and nothing anyone could have done about it. An overdose isn't even possible since they've taken me off anything that I can overdose on and I can't even get a regular supply of my illegals. I'm trying so hard to live, but right now I'm barely surviving.... I don't want to continue on this prescribed life support. Death, rebirth, new start seems more of a life than where I am now.
Thinking about it more, it comes down to birth. My mom never wanted children. So much so that after I was born, she had her tubes tied. I actually never had confirmation until just recently. Speaking with my real father, he was saddened that my mother decided to stop talking to me. Or I to her... no matter. For years, she's come up with every single excuse to NOT be with my children, not watch them or spend time with them. The hair that broke the camel's back was last summer when she made all sorts of promises and never acted on any of them. Leaving my children asking me all summer when grandma was going to take them ice skating, rollerskating and bowling. Everytime I'd ask her she would say she was busy, has an appointment or a social function... obviously much more important than family. I just couldn't take it any more. My girls asked me why grandma didn't like them. What could I say? It's not you, it's me?? Or grandma just doesn't like kids? I wanted grandma to tell them herself, but she's too chicken. She actually had MY grandmother call and ask to speak to the girls and then her mother would give the phone to her. Sad, really.
Thinking back, I can remember the many years living with my grandmother because she was busy living her life. Too busy to be bothered with a child. Too busy starting her life again with a new man and his children. Instead of spending summers with me, she's travel to Europe or the islands, never taking me. Only deciding to take me back when I was 7. Away from everything I knew, from the only mother I ever knew: HER mother. And it never got better. She wasn't fit as a mother. Maybe it was because she was young (19) when she had me, I'll never know. But I can't help but feel unwanted, better off unborn.
So, if you have a friend that says she doesn't want any children, don't harrass them. It's better that they do not have children than having them and wishing they never had them. Even worse is the feeling their children will live with for the reast of their lives, being unwanted, casted away like the pet you just can't have in the new apartment, forgotten over a vacation, neglected over a pair of shoes you just had to have. I'm thankful for my children and how they finally taught me unconditional love. If it wasn't for them, I would never know the meaning.
I'm at the end of my rope and no one to help, support or listen. Everyone's just too busy to be bothered with my problems, issues, insecurities and feelings. Not even my not-so-better half. My children can't even look at me. All I can do is cry and wish someone would take me out of my misery! The pills are supposed to help, but the fact that they aren't adds to the hopelessness. If they add anything else... I might as well just die... I'm a walking pharmacy as it is. Recently I starting cutting.... really want to do it to my wrists, but my arms and legs will just have to do. I don't know if it's the pain or the action itself that eases the desire to cut my wrists, just know there's a tiny bit of release in the pressure. I've tried explaining to the hub, but he acts as if he has blinders. He doesn't understand, nor wishes to understand, my circumstances. I just need to get over it and be happy. There's really nothing I wish My mom is as useless as a third nipple! She's incapable of watching my kids for any period of time... but I guess when you don't raise your own kid, why should you spend time with THEIR kids. Even when I beg, she refuses to watch all three... it has to be either JUST the girls or just my booger.... no other combination will do! My mother-in-law is too busy watching her daughter's hellions and raising her other son's son. So she's pretty much out of the picture. And, that's it... that's all their is as far as support. My best friend moved to California and is also miserable but we can't even comfort each other! It's no wonder I can't cope. I'm alone majority of the time with my three spawns, can't get things done and they're all acting out 'cause I can't get my shit together. I have no energy, motivation or inspiration. Today I hope to see the doc and see what she has to say; who I have to go see now that I've escalated to a whole new level. I think a break from all this would do a lot of good... but there's no signs of that anywhere in sight. If I ran away, it would be my children that would feel it the most. Same if I were to commit suicide or have them go through another failed attempt. Driving off a bridge seems like the better alternative... an accident... something that just happened and nothing anyone could have done about it. An overdose isn't even possible since they've taken me off anything that I can overdose on and I can't even get a regular supply of my illegals. I'm trying so hard to live, but right now I'm barely surviving.... I don't want to continue on this prescribed life support. Death, rebirth, new start seems more of a life than where I am now.
Thinking about it more, it comes down to birth. My mom never wanted children. So much so that after I was born, she had her tubes tied. I actually never had confirmation until just recently. Speaking with my real father, he was saddened that my mother decided to stop talking to me. Or I to her... no matter. For years, she's come up with every single excuse to NOT be with my children, not watch them or spend time with them. The hair that broke the camel's back was last summer when she made all sorts of promises and never acted on any of them. Leaving my children asking me all summer when grandma was going to take them ice skating, rollerskating and bowling. Everytime I'd ask her she would say she was busy, has an appointment or a social function... obviously much more important than family. I just couldn't take it any more. My girls asked me why grandma didn't like them. What could I say? It's not you, it's me?? Or grandma just doesn't like kids? I wanted grandma to tell them herself, but she's too chicken. She actually had MY grandmother call and ask to speak to the girls and then her mother would give the phone to her. Sad, really.
Thinking back, I can remember the many years living with my grandmother because she was busy living her life. Too busy to be bothered with a child. Too busy starting her life again with a new man and his children. Instead of spending summers with me, she's travel to Europe or the islands, never taking me. Only deciding to take me back when I was 7. Away from everything I knew, from the only mother I ever knew: HER mother. And it never got better. She wasn't fit as a mother. Maybe it was because she was young (19) when she had me, I'll never know. But I can't help but feel unwanted, better off unborn.
So, if you have a friend that says she doesn't want any children, don't harrass them. It's better that they do not have children than having them and wishing they never had them. Even worse is the feeling their children will live with for the reast of their lives, being unwanted, casted away like the pet you just can't have in the new apartment, forgotten over a vacation, neglected over a pair of shoes you just had to have. I'm thankful for my children and how they finally taught me unconditional love. If it wasn't for them, I would never know the meaning.
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